Engineering vs. Management..
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude. "You must be an Engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
感嘆男人女人
感嘆男人 :
有才華的長的醜, 長的帥的掙錢少 , 掙錢多的不顧家, 顧家的沒出息 ,
有出息的不浪漫, 會浪漫的靠不住 , 靠的住的又窩囊 .
感嘆女人 :
漂亮的不下廚房, 下廚房的不溫柔 , 溫柔的沒主見, 有主見的沒女人味,
有女人味的亂花錢 , 不亂花錢的不時尚 , 時尚的不放心, 放心的沒法看.
老婆是電視 , 情人是手機, 在家看電視 , 出門帶手機, 破產賣電視 ,發財換手機,
偶爾看電視 , 整天玩手機 , 電視終身不收費, 手機欠費就停機 .
做女人一定要經得起謊言 , 受得起敷衍, 忍得住欺騙, 忘得了諾言 ,
寧願相信世上有鬼, 也不能相信男人那張嘴 ??
Five minutes management course
Five minutes management course
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands
naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and
leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with
your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent
avoidable exposure.
Marriage according to kids
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
A lawyer married a woman
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.
' 'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times?'
'Well, Husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
國泰航空
很久很久以前, 有一對姓黃的夫妻生了三個可愛的女兒, 名叫Elaine, Ena 和Anele.
轉眼都到了適婚年齡, 因家教甚嚴, 三個女兒都還是處女之身. 黃姓夫婦分別為三個女兒找到了乘龍快婿, 眼看著拜堂入洞房的日子就要到了, 不由得擔心了起來. 熱鬧辦了婚事, 三個女兒與夫婿就要離家去度蜜月了. 黃姓夫婦很關心女兒的初夜是否圓滿, 就在他們分別要離開的當兒, 為娘的就私下對三個女兒說: "我和妳們的爹都關心妳們的新婚之夜, 希望能知道妳們是否快樂.... 為了不使妳們的丈夫起疑, 妳們就用暗語通知我們." 滿心歡喜期待的女兒們出門度蜜月去了.
一星期過去了, 黃姓夫婦收到第一封信, 打開一看是大女兒寫回來的. 信上只寫了四個大字:"渣打銀行", 二話不說拿起手邊的報紙尋找渣打銀行的廣告, 黃先生說: 哈! 找到了, 標題是: "大, 強壯又溫柔". 當下老先生夫婦是高興的不得了.
又過了七天, 二女兒來信了, 只簡單寫了: 鵲巢咖啡. 這次黃先生又很快找到鵲巢咖啡的廣告版面, 他大聲的唸出它的主標題: "歡樂到最後一滴". 夫妻二人相擁, 喜不自勝.
眼看著七天又過去了....直到一個月後還是沒接到三女兒的來信, 夫妻開始擔心起來,三女兒的信終於在二個月後... 寄到了. 那是一份手寫的信, 不十分清楚, 黃先生費了些勁兒才解讀出來, 原來女兒寫的是:"國泰航空". 黃先生顧不得穿上外套, 連走帶跑的到附近最近的7-11店買了一份報紙, 回到家, 他用顫抖的手快速的翻閱報紙找尋國泰航空的廣告, 啊哈! 我找到了.... 黃先生緊抓著報紙大聲的唸出 .... 不等黃先生唸完, 黃太太已"碰"的一聲跌坐在躺椅上...這廣告的標題是.... "每週七天, 一天三班, 中途無休."
女人在8、18、28、38和48歲時有啥不同
「What's the difference between women at ages of 8, 18, 28, 38 and 48?
女人在8、18、28、38和48歲時有啥不同?」
8.You take her to bed and tell her a story;
8歲時,你帶他上床並講個故事哄她睡覺;
18.You tell her a story and take her to bed;
到了18歲時,你要編個故事把她騙上床;
28.You don't need to tell her any story and take her to bed;
28歲時,你啥都不用說只要直接和她上床就好了;
38.She tells you a story and takes you to bed;
38歲時,她會編個故事要你跟她上床;
48.You tell her a story to avoid going to bed;
48歲時,你會編個故事以避免和她上床? 。
Where Babies Come From
A young female teenager runs into the house and asks her mother
"Is it true what Mandy just told me? Babies come out the same place
that boy's thingies go in?"
"Yes," replied her mother pleased that the embarassing subject had
finally come up and she didn't have to explain.
"Oh God! When I have a baby then, will it knock my teeth out?"
Calories of sex
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent....................... 12 Calories
Without her consent.................... 187 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands........................ 8 Calories
With one hand.......................... 12 Calories
With your teeth........................ 85 Calories
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection....................... 6 Calories
Without an erection.................... 315 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary............................. 12 Calories
69 lying down.......................... 78 Calories
69 standing up......................... 112 Calories
Wheelbarrow............................ 216 Calories
Doggy Style............................ 326 Calories
Italian chandelier..................... 912 Calories
How to shower...
How to Shower Like a Woman:
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -make mental note to do more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.