Ballons
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what
are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny
to ask his at dad breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be
forgotten.
Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the
same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says,"Why Johnny,
those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll
float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions. A few
weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny
runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His
father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is
blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming "Oh God, I'm coming!"
An old lady's bet
A little old lady entered the main branch of the Chase Manhattan bank
with a large grocery bag in her arms. She told the teller that she
wanted to open an account to make a substantial deposit, in excess of
$200,000. Further, she said that since such a large sum was involved,
she would deal only with the president of the bank to make the
necessary arrangements.
The teller looked in the bag and confirmed that it was, in fact, full
of cash. He called upstairs and explained the situation to the bank
president, who agreed to see the woman. The teller escorted her to
the president's office, and the president invited her to have a seat,
which she accepted. She repeated her request to open an account.
The president said he would take care of it personally, but his
curiosity was killing him. He said, "Mind if I ask how you happened
to come into such a large sum of cash?"
12 Tips From an Analyst
"12 Tips From an Analyst to a (Managing Director, Director, VP
basically everyone with a higher ranking) on How to Enhance the
Relationship"
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00
p.m. and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is
refreshing.
2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interupt me every
10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you are going.
It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies,
DON'T open the door for me. I need to learn how to function
as a paraplegic and opening doors is good training.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which
is the priority. Let me guess.
Dead horse
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from
one generation to the next, says that when you discover
that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to
dismount.
But in modern business (and education and government)
because heavy investment factors are taken into
consideration, other strategies are often tried with
dead horses, including the following:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead
horses.
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be
included.
DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable: if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Drug dealers Vs software developers
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Drug Dealers
Software Developers
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Refer to their clients as "users".
Refer to their clients as "users".
"The first one's free!"
"Download a free trial version..."
Have important Asian connections.
Have important Asian connections.
Strange jargon: Strange jargon:
"Stick" "SCSI"
"Rock" "RTFM"
"Wrap" "Packet"
"E" "C"
"Stash" "Cache"
"Drive-by" "CTRL ALT DEL"
"Hit (LSD)" "Hit (WWW)"
"Source" "Source-code"
"The Pigs" "Microsoft"
Excuses For Missing Work
If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told
me to clean all the guns today.
When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I
can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an
hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop,
reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop
only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks
in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled
up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
My stigmata's acting up.
How do you achieve 103% ?
How do you achieve 103% ?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants more than 100%.
Well here's how you do that. Here's how you can achieve 103%.
First of all, here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future.
How does one achieve 100% in LIFE?
Begin by noting the following.
Prison Vs workplace
For all of you punks, something to think about (for a change):
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behaviour.
At work you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the
doors yourself.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.
In prison you get your own loot.
At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct
taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside
wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.
Things to say at work
THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T!
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of s**t.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the f***-up fairy has visited us again...