To impress a client
I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks
ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner,
enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also
flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late. Well, being a
straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman,
introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."
"Yes?" "I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm
waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she
arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?"
"Sure." I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat. About ten
minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk
business. A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill
Gates. "Hi, Ray," he said. I replied, "Go away, Gates, I'm in a meeting."
Two consultants
A McKinsey Consultant and an Andersen Consultant are sitting next to each other
on a long flight from LA to NY. The McKinsey Consultant leans over to the
Andersen Consultant and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Andersen
Consultant just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to
the window to catch a few winks. The McKinsey Consultant persists and explains
that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains "I ask you a question,
and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question,
and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."
You know You graduated from b-school
YOU KNOW YOU'RE READY TO GRADUATE FROM B-SCHOOL WHEN
________________________________________________________________
1. You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are.
2. You decide to re-org your family into a "team-based organization."
3. You refer to dating as test marketing.
4. You understand your airline's fare structure.
5. You write executive summaries on your love letters.
6. You think that it's actually efficient to write a ten page paper with
six other people you don't know.
7. You believe you never have problems in your life, just "issues" and
"improvement opportunities."
8. You know every single piece of clip art in PowerPoint.
9. You calculate your own personal cost of capital.
10. You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself
as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt."
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
Plato:
For the greater good.
Karl Marx:
It was an historical inevitability.
Thomas de Torquemada:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary:
Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it
take.
Oliver North:
National security was at stake.
Spoon
A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an
organization...
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed
that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and
utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked
around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
麥X錫顧問公司
麥X錫顧問公司
有一個牧羊人在草地上趕著一群羊，忽然間有一輛敞篷跑車開進他的牧場，駛到他的身邊停下來，駕駛者是一個全身名牌服飾的年輕人。
年輕人對牧羊人說：「如果我能準確地算出你這一群羊的數目，你可以送我一隻羊嗎？」
牧羊人看了一眼他的密密麻麻的成千羊群，勉強同意：「好吧！」
於是年輕人拿出他的筆記型電腦和可以照相攝影的電話手機，用汽車喇叭驅趕一些密集的羊群，讓它們移動一下。然後利用衛星探測系統、無線上網、及遠端資料庫與知識系統，加上模式的處理和運算，最後印出一份5頁紙的報告。
How to make a story using 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 and 10
This was an assignment for a student who is taking English as a second
language. Keep this in mind when reading this one. Lim Ah Toy, a Chinese
student, was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and
10. Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1. This
is what he came up with.
"1 day I go 2 climb up a 3 outside a house to peep. But couple saw me, so
I panic and 4 down. The man rush out and want to 5 with me. I run until I
feel 6 and throw up. I go to 7 eleven and grab some 8 to throw at him. Then I
took a 9 and try to stab him. 10 God he run away. So, I put the 9 back and
pay for the 8 and left 7 eleven. Next day, I call my boss and say I am 6.
He said 5, tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also
ask me to climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand, I so nice 2 him but
I don't know what he 1. THE END."
and Lim Ah Toy graduated from his ESL class with honor.
Eating grass
One afternoon, a well-to-do lawyer was riding in his shiny limousine
when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to
investigate the situation.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We HAVE TO
EAT GRASS!"
The lawyer then said, "Well, then, you can come with me to my house
and I'll feed you!"
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over
there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he said, "You come with us, too."
The second man said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children
with me!"
"Bring them all!" the lawyer answered. They all jammed into the huge
limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
Genuinely touched, the lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really
love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"
勁爆的請假信
敬愛的夫子大人：
昨夜雨急風驟，風雲異色，天氣突變。因吾尚在夢中，猝不及防，不幸受涼！雞鳴之時，吾方發現。不想為時已晚矣！病毒入肌體，吾痛苦萬分！亦悔昨夜臨睡之際，不聽室友之勸，多加棉被一條，以至此晨之窘境。吾痛，吾悔！無他，惟慟哭爾！室友無不為之動容！
本想學業之成就為吾一生之追求！又怎可為逃避病痛而荒輟學業乎！遂釋然而往校。但行至半途，冷風迎面吹，痛楚再襲人。吾淚、涕俱下。已到生不如死之境。哪得力氣再往之。不得已，而借友人之臂，返之！
由此上述，為吾未到校之緣由。吾師應懂，吾未到校。乃吾迫不得已之。非不為也，而不能也。吾亦懂，吾未到校，吾師失一佳徒之痛苦。無吾，汝課索然無味哉！
汝苦，吾亦苦！！但，病痛不饒人，敬請諒之！如有幸再見吾師之面，再聽吾師之課，吾寧當負荊請罪，自辱其身！
嗚呼哀哉！哀哉痛矣！
學子***敬上
笑話 Jokes
# 有一日，蛇、螞蟻、蜘蛛、蜈蚣幾個人在家?搓麻將。8圈之後，煙抽完了。大家商量讓誰去買煙。
蛇說：「我沒腳，我不去，讓螞蟻去。」
螞蟻說：「蜘蛛八隻腳，比我的多，讓蜘蛛去。」
蜘蛛說：「我的腳再多也比不過蜈蚣大哥呀，讓蜈蚣去吧。」
蜈蚣無奈，心想：沒辦法，誰讓我腳多呢？
於是蜈蚣出門去買煙??一個多鐘頭了，不見蜈蚣回來，兩個鐘頭後，還不見蜈蚣買煙回來。於是大家讓蜘蛛出去看看，蜘蛛一出門就看見蜈蚣在門口坐著，蜘蛛很生氣，問：「你怎麼還不去呀？大家等著呢。」
蜈蚣也急了，說道：「廢話！你們總得等我穿好鞋吧！」
# 一 位 富 翁 想 娶 一 名 歌 星 為 妻 ，
但 他 為 安 全 起 見 ， 僱 用 了 一 個 私 家 偵 探 ，
仔 細 偵 查 該 歌 星 過 去 的 交 友 情 形 和 現 在 的 生 活 狀 況 。
一 個 月 後 ， 偵 探 的 調 查 報 告 送 來 了 。
偵 探 ﹕ 「 據 查 小 美 小 姐 平 時 的 聲 譽 ，
都 是 有 口 皆 碑 ， 過 往 的 生 活 也 清 白 ，
唯 一 有 損 她 的 名 譽 污 點 是 她 ? ?
最 近 與 一 名 「 下 流 的 富 商 」 有 著 親 密 的 來 往 。
# 一 隻 母 老 鼠 帶 著 幾 隻 小 老 鼠 在 草 地 裡 漫 步 ，
突 然 來 了 一 隻 貓 ， 小 老 鼠 嚇 得 全 都 躲 了 起 來 ，
只 有 母 老 鼠 沉 著 冷 靜 ， 沒 有 躲 開 。
遠 看 貓 越 走 越 近 ， 小 老 鼠 們 非 常 害 怕 。
就 在 這 時 ， 母 老 鼠 學 了 一 聲 狗 叫 ，
貓 不 知 其 中 有 詐 ， 便 跑 掉 了 。
等 貓 跑 遠 了 ， 小 老 鼠 一 個 個 膽 顫 心 驚 地 走 出 來 ，
望 著 它 們 的 媽 媽 。
等 所 有 的 小 老 鼠 都 到 齊 了 ，
母 老 鼠 才 語 重 心 長 地 問 ﹕
「 孩 子 們 ， 現 在 知 道 學 外 語 的 重 要 嗎 ？ 」
# 笑話: 下 午 茶
某 甲 死 後 下 地 獄 ， 鬼 差 讓 他 挑 牢 房 ，
在 第 一 間 牢 屋 裡 ， 甲 見 到 的 是 一 群 男 男 女 女 被 泡 在 滾 水 裡 ， 燙 的 皮 開 肉 裂 。 甲 怎 也 不 肯 進 去 。
第 二 牢 房 也 好 不 到 那 去 ， 裡 面 的 人 都 被 野 獸 咬 的 屍 首 分 家 ， 甲 又 不 肯 。
到 了 第 三 牢 房 ， 一 群 人 泡 在 深 及 腰 的 污 水 池 裡 喝 茶 ， 甲 覺 得 還 可 接 受， 就 進 去 了 。
不 一 會 兒 ， 鬼 差 向 大 家 宣 布 ： 「 各 位 ， 下 午 茶 已 結 束 ， 請 恢 復 倒 立 的 姿 勢 。
# 王師傅坐公共汽車到上海市嘉定區高潮村。因沒去過所以剛過二站就開始問女售票員：?高潮到了沒有？?
女售票員答：?沒有。?
過了二站後，王師傅又問：?高潮到了沒有？?
女售票員答：?沒有。?
沒過幾分鐘，王師傅又問：?高潮到了沒有？?
這時，女售票員實在是不耐煩了。高聲地回答道：
?高潮到了，我會叫的！?
話音剛落，舉座皆驚。目光一齊投向女售票員。