Things people actually said in court

Things people actually said in court, word for word,
taken down and now published by court reporters who
had the torment of staying calm while these
exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 18th
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the
impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember
which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you
when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo.
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies
in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next
morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is
he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to
a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school
did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the
body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I
was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: No.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
and practicing law somewhere.

School Teacher Arrested

School Teacher Arrested

Arrested at New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, protractor, set square, slide rule and calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft, said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult", Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "there are three sides to every triangle.""

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes to count on."School Teacher Arrested

Arrested at New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, protractor, set square, slide rule and calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft, said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult", Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "there are three sides to every triangle.""

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes to count on."

該丟誰下去?

該丟誰下去
英國某家報紙曾舉辦一項高額獎金的有獎征答活動。

題目是:在一個充氣不足的熱氣球上,載著三位關係世界興亡命運的科學家。

第一位是環保專家,他的研究可拯救無數人們,免于因環境污染而面臨死亡的惡運。

第二位是核子專家,他有能力防止全球性的核子戰爭,使地球免于遭受滅亡的絕境。

第三位是糧食專家,他能在不毛之地,運用專業知識成功地種植食物,使幾千萬人脫離饑荒而亡的命運。

此刻熱氣球即將墜毀,必須丟出一個人以减輕載重,使其餘的兩人得以活存,請問該丟下哪一位科學家?

問題刊出之後,因爲獎金數額龐大,信件如雪片飛來。

在這些信中,每個人皆竭盡所能,甚至天馬行空地闡述他們認爲必須丟下哪位科學家的宏觀見解。

最後結果揭曉,巨額獎金的得主是一個小男孩。

他的答案是 --

Full story »

Teacher and pupils

TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your maths sums on
the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?
JOHN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell
it!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North
America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered
America?
CLASS: George!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have
today
that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you
are.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by
biting
insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with
"I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the
alphabet."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of
COINCIDENCE?"
Johnny :
"Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the
sameday
sametime."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down
his
father's Cherry tree but also admitted doing it. Now
do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Johnny : "Because George still had the axe in his
hand."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father : No. Why do you ask that?
Son : Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Teacher : What a pair of strange socks you are
wearing, one is green and one is blue with red
spots!
Kirk : Yes it's really strange. I've got another
pair
of thesame at home.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
At a church school gathering, one little old lady
approached a cute 5-year-old girl and asked her
where
she got her good looks. "I musta got 'em from my
Daddy," said the little girl, "'cause Mommy's still
got
hers.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a
donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be
showing?
Student: Brotherly love.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say
prayers
before eating?
Sam : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good
cook.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is
exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on
talking when people are no longer interested?
Pupil : A teacher.

咖啡杯和玻璃杯

考考你...你想到嗎 有一天咖啡杯和玻璃杯一同去公園玩。

當它們一同橫過馬路去公園的時候, 突然有一輛開得很快的汽車衝向它們

,當時有一好心人從後大叫"喂!小心呀....有車呀!!" 可是不幸的事始終發

生,玻璃杯給撞散了,但是咖啡杯並沒有事......為何?

(答案)

Full story »

國語不好的後果

語文老師在講台上很有表情地為大家讀了一首題為「臥春」的詩,
要大家寫在筆記本上:
《臥春》
暗梅幽聞花,臥枝傷恨底,遙聞臥似水,易透達春綠.
岸似綠,岸似透綠,岸似透黛綠.

沒想到一位同學的筆記竟然是這樣學寫的:
《我蠢》
俺沒有文化,我智商很低,要問我是誰,一頭大蠢驢.
俺是驢,俺是頭驢,俺是頭呆驢.

結論: 如果不用功讀書,要不就得聽力練好..........

And God created human

On the very first day of the world, God created the cow.

He said to the cow: "Ah Gu (cow), today I have created you!

Your job is to go to the field with the farmer all day long.

You will be provided the energy to pull things!

You will also provide milk for people to drink!

You are to work all day under the sun!

In return, you will only eat grass.

For that, you will have a life span of 50 years."

Ah Gu objected.

"What.. I work all day in the sun and I get only to eat grass!

On top of that, I have to give my milk away!

This is tough and you want me to live 50 years! I'll take 20 and
you can have the remaining 30 years back!"

God agreed.

On the next day, God created the dog.

He said to the dog.

"Ah Kow (dog), I have created you for a purpose.

You are to sit all day by the door of your master's house! Should
anyone come in, you are to bark at them! In return, you will eat

your master's leftovers.

I'll give you a life span of 20 years."

Ah Kow objected.

"What! I have to sit by the door all day and will need to bark at
people, and what do I get......... LEFTOVERS................ This isn't

right.

I'll take 10 and you can have the remaining 10 years back!"

God agreed again.

On the third day, God created the monkey.

He said to the monkey.

"Lao Kao (monkey), your job is to entertain people.

You will make them laugh, act stupid and make faces!

You will also do somersaults and swing on trees to amaze them.

In return, you will get to eat bananas and peanuts. For that, I'll
give you 20 years to live."

Naturally the monkey objected.

"This is ridiculous, I gotta make faces and make people laugh, let
not even come to the part about the trees and somersaults.

Tell you what, I'll give 10 years of my life to thank you for my
existence and I'll take 10.

What do you think?"

God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans.

God said to the man.

"You are my best piece of work, for that, you will only need to
sleep, eat, sleep, play, eat, sleep again and do nothing else.

You will get to eat all the best things and play with the best toys.
All you need to do is enjoy all your life.

For this kinda of life, I'll give you 20 years."

Just like the rest, the man objected.

"What, all I need to do is relax and enjoy myself and I have only
20 years to live?

Tell you what, you've 30 years back from Ah Gu, 10 years from Ah
Kow and another 10 from Lao Ka and you probably don't know what to do
with all those lives.

Why not I take them all and I'll have 70 years to live?"

God being very good natured, agreed with a smile.....AND THAT IS
WHY.....

We eat, sleep, play and enjoy for the first 20 years of our lives
when we are growing up.

Work like a cow for the next 30 to raise our family.

Sit outside the door and bark at people for the next 10 when we
are retired.

And finally, we make faces and perform monkey tricks to entertain
our grandchildren for the final 10 years.

When words become scrabbled!!!

GEORGE BUSH: HE BUGS GORE
DORMITORY: DIRTY ROOM
EVANGELIST: EVIL'S AGENT
PRESBYTERIAN: BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE MORSE CODE: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW: WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT: I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: TWELVE PLUS ONE

And for the grand finale:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Variety of jokes

八塊錢

正看雜誌的丈夫放下雜誌,看著太太?

丈夫:「我剛曉得,南非的女人每次房事完後,都會給先生八塊錢,
??????? 這麼好的機會我怎麼能錯過,明天我就去南非!」

太太:「我也去!」

先生:「你去幹什麼?」

太太:「我去看看你一個月只賺十六塊怎麼活下去!」

‧比經驗

一位老先生走在路上被計程車司機撞到,於是二人在路邊吵了起來?

司機:「我的駕駛技術是一流的,錯不在我,而且我有十年的駕駛經驗呢。」

老先生:「是嗎?我走路走了五十年,還是第一次被撞!」

‧誰厲害

百家姓中的各種姓氏在討論誰比較厲害?

趙:「我們趙姓是百家姓的第一位,所以是我們!」

陳林同聲說:「我們號稱陳林半天下,所以是我們!」

孫說:「中華民國的國父姓孫,所以是我們!」

這時姓廖的就哈哈大笑的說:

「我的姓才是最偉大的,你們難道沒聽過(廖氏如神)嗎?」

‧死蟑螂..

生意人住進旅館房間不久,發現地板上有隻死蟑螂。

他打電話給櫃台要求和經理說話,電話接通後,他越說情緒越激動。

「先生,請您冷靜點!」經理說道
「那隻蟑螂已經死了,不致對您造成困擾。」

生意人說道:「「那隻死的沒什麼,但........
但那些來參加他葬禮和驗屍的親朋好友讓我覺得很噁心!」

‧你少年白喔

有一天,有一個白髮蒼蒼的人走在街上。

這時候有個人跑過去問那位白髮蒼蒼的人說:「你少年白喔?」

那位白髮蒼蒼的人對他說:「不是!我只是娃娃臉..........」

‧你連禽獸都不如

男女朋友睡一個房間。

女的劃了條線,並且跟男友說:過線的是禽獸!

醒來發現男的真的沒過線,女的便狠狠打了男的一耳光說:你連禽獸都不如!

‧惡作劇

話說愛國女的同事群這天吃飽太閒,決定戲弄一下愛國女。
於是他們寫了一封情書,放在她的抽屜?

愛國女到了公司,發現抽屜竟然有一封貼著愛心貼紙的情書,
她打開來看--
「每天,你經過我的面前,總是會讓我春心盪漾,
當你往我這看時,我的心總是小鹿亂撞?

我終於忍不住寫了封情書給你,表達我對你的愛慕之意,
我是站在總統府第1排第3個的士兵。
如果你對我有同樣的感覺,請在你經過我身邊時,
留下你的手巾,讓我知道你來過了,
如果你對我的愛愈深,請留下愈多手巾,讓我也感受你的愛! 」

午休時間,愛國女忍不住跑去看看那位愛慕者?哇靠!帥!!!

高興得差點翻過去的她就去買了一堆手帕,並用了一條大方巾把它們包起來。

隔天,她輕輕地走到那士兵身旁,靦腆的放下那堆手帕。
就那時,士兵發現到她?

「小姐? 」

士兵轉頭對她說

「這裡不可以擺地攤唷!」

‧擔心

阿美和阿花是一對很好的朋友,常常聚在一起聊天..
有一天,阿美很擔憂的對阿花說:「我最近要小心一點了!」
阿花很關心的說為什麼
阿美說:「我怕要是不小心懷孕了怎麼辦!」
阿花說:「奇怪你老公不是前幾天才去結紮,你怕什麼呢」
阿美說:「就是因為她去結紮,我才害怕啊...
咦!我都還沒告訴你..你怎麼知道我老公去結紮.」

阿花說:「你老公告訴我的啊!他說他已經結紮了,叫我以後不需要擔心了!」

‧人民褓母

老師:「令郎將來可能會是人民的褓母!」
媽媽:「何以見得」
老師:「我問他汽車擋風板上的刷子的作用是什麼他說是方便夾罰單用的.」

‧素描高手

長官:「喂!喂!你在幹什麼?!」
工讀生:「怎麼?我畫得不好嗎?」
長官:「你畫得......非常好~~~」
工讀生:「那麼....你有什麼問題呢?」
長官:「太多色彩,還有陰影的層次!而且,表情太逼真了....」
工讀生:「謝謝!這是對自己作品應有的態度!」
長官:「這可不是你的作品!」
工讀生:「可是.....」
長官:「你只要.....

把案發現場受害者的姿勢用粉筆勾出來就行了!哎....」

‧電影分級制

普通級:好男人得到女主角。
輔導級:壞男人得到女主角。
限制級:人人都可以得到女主角!

Car Names

AUDI : Another Ugly Deutsche Invention

BMW : Brings Me Women but Broke My Wallet

FIAT : Failure in Italian Automotive Technology

FORD : Fast Only Rolling Downhill

HYUNDAI : Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable and Inexpensive

SAAB : Shape Appears Ass-Backwards

SUBARU : Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually

VOLVO : Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

PORSCHE : Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything

<< 1 2 3 4 5