Leglessbird leisure guide

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Drug Dealers
Software Developers
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Refer to their clients as "users".
Refer to their clients as "users".

"The first one's free!"
"Download a free trial version..."

Have important Asian connections.
Have important Asian connections.

Strange jargon: Strange jargon:
"Stick" "SCSI"
"Rock" "RTFM"
"Wrap" "Packet"
"E" "C"
"Stash" "Cache"
"Drive-by" "CTRL ALT DEL"
"Hit (LSD)" "Hit (WWW)"
"Source" "Source-code"
"The Pigs" "Microsoft"

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If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told
me to clean all the guns today.

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I
can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an
hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop,
reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop
only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks
in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled
up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

My stigmata's acting up.

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How do you achieve 103% ?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants more than 100%.
Well here's how you do that. Here's how you can achieve 103%.
First of all, here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future.

How does one achieve 100% in LIFE?
Begin by noting the following.

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For all of you punks, something to think about (for a change):

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behaviour.
At work you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the
doors yourself.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own loot.
At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct
taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside
wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T!
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of s**t.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the f***-up fairy has visited us again...

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I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks
ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner,
enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also
flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late. Well, being a
straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman,
introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."
"Yes?" "I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm
waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she
arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?"
"Sure." I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat. About ten
minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk
business. A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill
Gates. "Hi, Ray," he said. I replied, "Go away, Gates, I'm in a meeting."

A McKinsey Consultant and an Andersen Consultant are sitting next to each other
on a long flight from LA to NY. The McKinsey Consultant leans over to the
Andersen Consultant and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Andersen
Consultant just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to
the window to catch a few winks. The McKinsey Consultant persists and explains
that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains "I ask you a question,
and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question,
and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."

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YOU KNOW YOU'RE READY TO GRADUATE FROM B-SCHOOL WHEN
________________________________________________________________
1. You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are.
2. You decide to re-org your family into a "team-based organization."
3. You refer to dating as test marketing.
4. You understand your airline's fare structure.
5. You write executive summaries on your love letters.
6. You think that it's actually efficient to write a ten page paper with
six other people you don't know.
7. You believe you never have problems in your life, just "issues" and
"improvement opportunities."
8. You know every single piece of clip art in PowerPoint.
9. You calculate your own personal cost of capital.
10. You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself
as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt."

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Plato:
For the greater good.

Karl Marx:
It was an historical inevitability.

Thomas de Torquemada:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Timothy Leary:
Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it
take.

Oliver North:
National security was at stake.

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A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an
organization...

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed
that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and
utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked
around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

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