Leglessbird leisure guide

A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a spongebath.

One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there

is a response on the monitor when he touches her. They go to her

husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds,

maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the

coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll

close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try.

The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flatlines... no pulse... no

heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing

there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."

Why Condoms come in boxes of 3, 6 or 12?

A man walks into a drug store with his 13-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,

"What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called

condoms, son....Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that

in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,

"Why are there 3 in this package."

Full story »

Nuns get admitted into Heaven through a special gate and are
expected to have one last confessional before they become angels.
Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their
last sins before they are made holy.

"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

"Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of
one with my finger."

"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into
Heaven."

Full story »

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with
her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her
boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for
the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the
pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack,
10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door.

"Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's
parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his
head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally,
after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over
and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist.

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:

Dear Wife:

You must realize that you are 54-years-old, and I have certain
needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as
a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that
by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my
18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.

Your Husband

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for
him that read as follows:

Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54-years-old and by the time you receive this letter,
I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the
brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the
fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't
wait up.

A guy on a date parks and gets the girl in the back seat and they make love. The girl wants it again and the guy obliges her. She wants more and they do it again. She still wants more and the guy says "Excuse me a minute I have to relive myself."

While out of the car he notices a guy a half block away changing a flat. He
asks the guy "Look, I've got this girl in my car and I've given it to her four or five times and she still wantsmore. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me."

The guy does and is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them. The cop asks "What're you doing in there?"

The guy says "I'm making love to my wife."

The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home?"

The guy answers "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until
you shined the light on her."

Two couples were playing cards one evening. One of the husbands, Jerry,
accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the
table to pick them up, he noticed that Ray's wife Shaniqua, had her legs
spread wide, and she wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jerry,
upon trying to sit up again, hit his head on the table and emerged
red-faced.

Later, Jerry went into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Shaniqua
followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under the
table?"

Surprised by her boldness, Jerry courageously admitted that, well, yes, he
did. She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you $500." After taking a
minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jerry
indicated that he was indeed interested.

She told him that since her husband, Ray, works Friday afternoons and Jerry
doesn't, that Jerry should be at her house around 2:00 PM, Friday afternoon.

Full story »

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She
gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he
arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to
hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full
and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with
both hands.
"Actually, no," he replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her
hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there
anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily,
popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to them
gently.
"Tell him," she says, "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the
ladies room."

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of
his life sentence in prison.

While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had
been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the
room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it
appeared he was kissing her neck.

Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made
his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered,
"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your
neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants.
If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like
it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on
it!. Be strong and I love you."

Full story »

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what
are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny
to ask his at dad breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be
forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the
same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says,"Why Johnny,
those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll
float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions. A few
weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny
runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His
father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is
blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming "Oh God, I'm coming!"