Leglessbird leisure guide

敬愛的夫子大人：
　　昨夜雨急風驟，風雲異色，天氣突變。因吾尚在夢中，猝不及防，不幸受涼！雞鳴之時，吾方發現。不想為時已晚矣！病毒入肌體，吾痛苦萬分！亦悔昨夜臨睡之際，不聽室友之勸，多加棉被一條，以至此晨之窘境。吾痛，吾悔！無他，惟慟哭爾！室友無不為之動容！
　　本想學業之成就為吾一生之追求！又怎可為逃避病痛而荒輟學業乎！遂釋然而往校。但行至半途，冷風迎面吹，痛楚再襲人。吾淚、涕俱下。已到生不如死之境。哪得力氣再往之。不得已，而借友人之臂，返之！
　　由此上述，為吾未到校之緣由。吾師應懂，吾未到校。乃吾迫不得已之。非不為也，而不能也。吾亦懂，吾未到校，吾師失一佳徒之痛苦。無吾，汝課索然無味哉！
　　汝苦，吾亦苦！！但，病痛不饒人，敬請諒之！如有幸再見吾師之面，再聽吾師之課，吾寧當負荊請罪，自辱其身！
　　嗚呼哀哉！哀哉痛矣！
　　學子***敬上

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# 有一日，蛇、螞蟻、蜘蛛、蜈蚣幾個人在家?搓麻將。8圈之後，煙抽完了。大家商量讓誰去買煙。

蛇說：「我沒腳，我不去，讓螞蟻去。」

螞蟻說：「蜘蛛八隻腳，比我的多，讓蜘蛛去。」

蜘蛛說：「我的腳再多也比不過蜈蚣大哥呀，讓蜈蚣去吧。」

蜈蚣無奈，心想：沒辦法，誰讓我腳多呢？

於是蜈蚣出門去買煙??一個多鐘頭了，不見蜈蚣回來，兩個鐘頭後，還不見蜈蚣買煙回來。於是大家讓蜘蛛出去看看，蜘蛛一出門就看見蜈蚣在門口坐著，蜘蛛很生氣，問：「你怎麼還不去呀？大家等著呢。」

蜈蚣也急了，說道：「廢話！你們總得等我穿好鞋吧！」

# 一 位 富 翁 想 娶 一 名 歌 星 為 妻 ，
但 他 為 安 全 起 見 ， 僱 用 了 一 個 私 家 偵 探 ，
仔 細 偵 查 該 歌 星 過 去 的 交 友 情 形 和 現 在 的 生 活 狀 況 。

一 個 月 後 ， 偵 探 的 調 查 報 告 送 來 了 。

偵 探 ﹕ 「 據 查 小 美 小 姐 平 時 的 聲 譽 ，
都 是 有 口 皆 碑 ， 過 往 的 生 活 也 清 白 ，
唯 一 有 損 她 的 名 譽 污 點 是 她 ? ?
最 近 與 一 名 「 下 流 的 富 商 」 有 著 親 密 的 來 往 。
# 一 隻 母 老 鼠 帶 著 幾 隻 小 老 鼠 在 草 地 裡 漫 步 ，
突 然 來 了 一 隻 貓 ， 小 老 鼠 嚇 得 全 都 躲 了 起 來 ，
只 有 母 老 鼠 沉 著 冷 靜 ， 沒 有 躲 開 。
遠 看 貓 越 走 越 近 ， 小 老 鼠 們 非 常 害 怕 。
就 在 這 時 ， 母 老 鼠 學 了 一 聲 狗 叫 ，
貓 不 知 其 中 有 詐 ， 便 跑 掉 了 。
等 貓 跑 遠 了 ， 小 老 鼠 一 個 個 膽 顫 心 驚 地 走 出 來 ，
望 著 它 們 的 媽 媽 。
等 所 有 的 小 老 鼠 都 到 齊 了 ，
母 老 鼠 才 語 重 心 長 地 問 ﹕
「 孩 子 們 ， 現 在 知 道 學 外 語 的 重 要 嗎 ？ 」

# 笑話: 下 午 茶

某 甲 死 後 下 地 獄 ， 鬼 差 讓 他 挑 牢 房 ，
在 第 一 間 牢 屋 裡 ， 甲 見 到 的 是 一 群 男 男 女 女 被 泡 在 滾 水 裡 ， 燙 的 皮 開 肉 裂 。 甲 怎 也 不 肯 進 去 。

第 二 牢 房 也 好 不 到 那 去 ， 裡 面 的 人 都 被 野 獸 咬 的 屍 首 分 家 ， 甲 又 不 肯 。

到 了 第 三 牢 房 ， 一 群 人 泡 在 深 及 腰 的 污 水 池 裡 喝 茶 ， 甲 覺 得 還 可 接 受， 就 進 去 了 。

不 一 會 兒 ， 鬼 差 向 大 家 宣 布 ： 「 各 位 ， 下 午 茶 已 結 束 ， 請 恢 復 倒 立 的 姿 勢 。

# 王師傅坐公共汽車到上海市嘉定區高潮村。因沒去過所以剛過二站就開始問女售票員：?高潮到了沒有？?
女售票員答：?沒有。?

過了二站後，王師傅又問：?高潮到了沒有？?
女售票員答：?沒有。?

沒過幾分鐘，王師傅又問：?高潮到了沒有？?
這時，女售票員實在是不耐煩了。高聲地回答道：

?高潮到了，我會叫的！?

話音剛落，舉座皆驚。目光一齊投向女售票員。

Things people actually said in court, word for word,
taken down and now published by court reporters who
had the torment of staying calm while these
exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 18th
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the
impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember
which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you
when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo.
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies
in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next
morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is
he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to
a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school
did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the
body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I
was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: No.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
and practicing law somewhere.

School Teacher Arrested

Arrested at New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, protractor, set square, slide rule and calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft, said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult", Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "there are three sides to every triangle.""

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes to count on."School Teacher Arrested

Arrested at New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, protractor, set square, slide rule and calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft, said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult", Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "there are three sides to every triangle.""

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes to count on."

該丟誰下去
英國某家報紙曾舉辦一項高額獎金的有獎征答活動。

題目是：在一個充氣不足的熱氣球上，載著三位關係世界興亡命運的科學家。

第一位是環保專家，他的研究可拯救無數人們，免于因環境污染而面臨死亡的惡運。

第二位是核子專家，他有能力防止全球性的核子戰爭，使地球免于遭受滅亡的絕境。

第三位是糧食專家，他能在不毛之地，運用專業知識成功地種植食物，使幾千萬人脫離饑荒而亡的命運。

此刻熱氣球即將墜毀，必須丟出一個人以减輕載重，使其餘的兩人得以活存，請問該丟下哪一位科學家？

問題刊出之後，因爲獎金數額龐大，信件如雪片飛來。

在這些信中，每個人皆竭盡所能，甚至天馬行空地闡述他們認爲必須丟下哪位科學家的宏觀見解。

最後結果揭曉，巨額獎金的得主是一個小男孩。

他的答案是 --

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TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your maths sums on
the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?
JOHN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell
it!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North
America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered
America?
CLASS: George!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have
today
that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you
are.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by
biting
insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with
"I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the
alphabet."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of
COINCIDENCE?"
Johnny :
"Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the
sameday
sametime."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down
his
father's Cherry tree but also admitted doing it. Now
do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Johnny : "Because George still had the axe in his
hand."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father : No. Why do you ask that?
Son : Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Teacher : What a pair of strange socks you are
wearing, one is green and one is blue with red
spots!
Kirk : Yes it's really strange. I've got another
pair
of thesame at home.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
At a church school gathering, one little old lady
approached a cute 5-year-old girl and asked her
where
she got her good looks. "I musta got 'em from my
Daddy," said the little girl, "'cause Mommy's still
got
hers.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a
donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be
showing?
Student: Brotherly love.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say
prayers
before eating?
Sam : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good
cook.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is
exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on
talking when people are no longer interested?
Pupil : A teacher.

考考你...你想到嗎 有一天咖啡杯和玻璃杯一同去公園玩。

當它們一同橫過馬路去公園的時候， 突然有一輛開得很快的汽車衝向它們

，當時有一好心人從後大叫"喂!小心呀....有車呀!!" 可是不幸的事始終發

生，玻璃杯給撞散了，但是咖啡杯並沒有事......為何?

(答案)

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語文老師在講台上很有表情地為大家讀了一首題為「臥春」的詩,
要大家寫在筆記本上:
《臥春》
暗梅幽聞花,臥枝傷恨底,遙聞臥似水,易透達春綠.
岸似綠,岸似透綠,岸似透黛綠.

沒想到一位同學的筆記竟然是這樣學寫的:
《我蠢》
俺沒有文化,我智商很低,要問我是誰,一頭大蠢驢.
俺是驢,俺是頭驢,俺是頭呆驢.

結論: 如果不用功讀書，要不就得聽力練好..........

On the very first day of the world, God created the cow.

He said to the cow: "Ah Gu (cow), today I have created you!

Your job is to go to the field with the farmer all day long.

You will be provided the energy to pull things!

You will also provide milk for people to drink!

You are to work all day under the sun!

In return, you will only eat grass.

For that, you will have a life span of 50 years."

Ah Gu objected.

"What.. I work all day in the sun and I get only to eat grass!

On top of that, I have to give my milk away!

This is tough and you want me to live 50 years! I'll take 20 and
you can have the remaining 30 years back!"

God agreed.

On the next day, God created the dog.

He said to the dog.

"Ah Kow (dog), I have created you for a purpose.

You are to sit all day by the door of your master's house! Should
anyone come in, you are to bark at them! In return, you will eat

your master's leftovers.

I'll give you a life span of 20 years."

Ah Kow objected.

"What! I have to sit by the door all day and will need to bark at
people, and what do I get......... LEFTOVERS................ This isn't

right.

I'll take 10 and you can have the remaining 10 years back!"

God agreed again.

On the third day, God created the monkey.

He said to the monkey.

"Lao Kao (monkey), your job is to entertain people.

You will make them laugh, act stupid and make faces!

You will also do somersaults and swing on trees to amaze them.

In return, you will get to eat bananas and peanuts. For that, I'll
give you 20 years to live."

Naturally the monkey objected.

"This is ridiculous, I gotta make faces and make people laugh, let
not even come to the part about the trees and somersaults.

Tell you what, I'll give 10 years of my life to thank you for my
existence and I'll take 10.

What do you think?"

God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans.

God said to the man.

"You are my best piece of work, for that, you will only need to
sleep, eat, sleep, play, eat, sleep again and do nothing else.

You will get to eat all the best things and play with the best toys.
All you need to do is enjoy all your life.

For this kinda of life, I'll give you 20 years."

Just like the rest, the man objected.

"What, all I need to do is relax and enjoy myself and I have only
20 years to live?

Tell you what, you've 30 years back from Ah Gu, 10 years from Ah
Kow and another 10 from Lao Ka and you probably don't know what to do
with all those lives.

Why not I take them all and I'll have 70 years to live?"

God being very good natured, agreed with a smile.....AND THAT IS
WHY.....

We eat, sleep, play and enjoy for the first 20 years of our lives
when we are growing up.

Work like a cow for the next 30 to raise our family.

Sit outside the door and bark at people for the next 10 when we
are retired.

And finally, we make faces and perform monkey tricks to entertain
our grandchildren for the final 10 years.

GEORGE BUSH: HE BUGS GORE
DORMITORY: DIRTY ROOM
EVANGELIST: EVIL'S AGENT
PRESBYTERIAN: BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE MORSE CODE: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW: WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT: I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: TWELVE PLUS ONE

And for the grand finale:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS